There was a young man who said, "Though it seems that I know that I know, what I would like to see is the I that knows me when I know that I know that I know." - Alan Watts
I had predicted my own downfall. I had heard the slow trickle for a while. I didn't want to believe it. After all that hard work. It was a dream I didn't want to end. Not unless it was on my own terms.
There was going to be a blue moon. I read my horoscope only half-believing the things I'd read. But the combination of what was stirring in my gut + the words written in the stars had me semi-prepared.
I walked in to my office the morning of the blue moon, noticed an unfamiliar pair of feet crossed one in front of the other. Fancy shoes peaked out from the open door. A sign. We didn't wear shoes in the office. It was one of the casualties of working in a yoga center.
This is going to be hard...she started. And before I knew it I was gone.
I texted my two closest work peers. I called my mother. "I told you," I said. I was boiling + frightened like a lobster in a pot too shocked to kick and scream. I didn't deserve this.
It doesn't matter what you call it–being laid off, eliminated, fired–they're all terms that will give you chills when they pertain to you. They are words that could kill you. Literally. Damaging thoughts rush into your head. I am...the list of negative traits goes on. And on. For months.
This, like the blue moon, was a rare occurrence. And I celebrated my freedom.
I drank more than enough beer. My posse felt for me + paid the tab. The next morning I purged. I felt like death times two. But my phone kept vibrating. In fact, my phone died three times that day. I had never received that much love. It was almost as if I was watching my own funeral. A death of sorts to my old way of thinking. And a birth to my life untethered.
"I'm a fucking Phoenix," I said on the night of the next full moon–one month later. "And this is the last night that I burn."
The next day I slept. And I dreamed. But I wasn't just dreaming in some slumbering state. I really dreamed.
And then I rose. I know I am no mystical creature. I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus Christ. But what I'm telling you is once you feel you have lost it all, there is nothing left. But you. Exactly as you are.
With no strings attached, no stupid name tags or dress code, no one to tell you not to cuss or what not to wear, no one to judge you for you, you phase back into that infantile being–that little you who was about one year old–who had yet to be moulded or shaped by judging looks, unkind words, rules + regulations. But this time you're an adult + you realize that now you're up to you + this could be good or bad.
But let's not think negatively, you tell yourself. And you don't. Because you know you've got it in you. And now you don't have to be attached to anyone or anything who isn't into that.
You. Are. Free. Not fired. You are free, honey, to do what you do. Now, give yourself permission to let go.
I was on a 30-day high fueled by pure adrenaline. I could feel it pulsing through my veins. Fight or flight. Sure, I wanted to raise hell. But I chose flight.
I touched base with my connections. I was honest. And the people who knew me became my system of support not my system of a down. I started two businesses in one month. One has not quite made it...yet. I still have faith. The other continues to breed like friendship bread. One client/friend feeds + leads to another + another + another + soon I'll be hiring another like-minded individual to pick up where my full hands can't quite reach.
For this, I am grateful. I am grateful for this place called my home office which currently is my bed in my pjs with no makeup on whatsoever. Curled up next to me is my sweet 9 lb pup. But it's not this physical comfort that brings me real fulfillment. What I am really, truly thankful for is me–unfiltered–and the chance to not have to fake it. I am grateful for truth. And I am grateful for those who believe in mine.
My story, now, goes like this:
Once upon a time, on the night of the blue moon (No, wait! Let's call it a You Moon.), I was set free. I gave me to myself. And I lived happily ever after. The end.